viernes, 15 de febrero de 2008

El ansia de complacer...



-Hola! No me conoces pero queria pedirte que me firmaras el fotolog www.fotolog.com/niña_estupida

-Hola! Abri un blog donde le cuento a la vida lo triste que es mi vida y como todo el mundo me discrimina por ser friky!

-Hola, queres ir a ver una banda? Si vas te regalamos un paquete de chicles por la mitad.

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Finalmente logro llegar a casa y refugiarme en mi cuarto. Que lindo lugar este, esta lleno de las cosas que màs me gustan, estan los recuerdos de esas novias y conquistas de una noche, noches de dolor y llanto, reuniones de amigos con musica y mates, noches de escritura frenetica y de dibujo insatisfactorio.

Aca puedo ser yo mismo, sin ninguna mascara, sin tener que complacer a nadie, sin hacer compromisos que no tengo el mas minimo interes en cumplir, sin tener que aguantar la basura que sale de los labios de la mayoria, sin tener que ceder en mis convicciones para no armar quilombo con otra gente, sin tener que vestirme de la manera mas correcta para la ocasion.

Miro las fotos que decoran mi mesa de luz y revivo esos momentos con amigos, novias, familia y seres queridos en general. Estos son mis angeles y los unicos santos a los que me interesa rezarles. Casi puedo, por un momento parece posible, viajar al pasado a esos lugares especiales con esa gente especial. Deseos, quimeras, nada màs, lo que paso es igual que si estuviera muerto, ya paso y no hay forma de volver.

Me visto y salgo, una vez màs, a la calle, primero me tomo unos minutos en la puerta para ponerme mi mascara. La elijo cuidadosamente de entre todas las que tengo. Es gracioso lo pesadas que son mis mascaras, sin duda caminaria mejor y mas comodo si no las llevara. Dejo que la idea, tentadora, coquetee con mis intenciones, me imagino salir sin mis mascaras. Abro los ojos, ya eleji. Saco la mascara correspondiente y enfrento a la multitud rezandole a un dios que no cree en mi para que la mascara sea la correcta.

Va todo bien, no mas caras de desaprobacion que de costumbre, bueno, dicen que no se puede conformar a todo el mundo. Cuanta verdad en esa frase.

-Hola! queres ir a mi cumpleaños? es este viernes y lo festejamos en el boliche ese que esta tan de moda!

-Hola, te gustaria comprar un celular?

-Porque no te afeitas y te cortas el pelo? Ya no estas en edad de seguir con esas boludeces!

-Me acompañas a comprarme un par de zapatos?

No...

Por un momento me siento muy confundido. Quien dijo esa palabra prohibida? Asi sola, desnuda de excusas parece màs brutal que nunca. La cara extrañada de la gente que me rodea me da la idea de que fui yo el que cometio semejante sacrilegio. Por un momento me siento raro, siento algo que nunca habia sentido y sin embargo... no es desagradable. No es lo que temia.

No, no quiero, no me interesa, me molesta...

Ahora cambian las caras, ya no es un silencio extrañado, ya no cabe la posibilidad de que me hallan escuchado mal. Esta claro que lo que dije lo dije en serio. Ahora estoy rodeado de una fria reprobacion e incluso una hirviente furia. Me alegro, estaba bastante harto de ese tibio conformismo. Ya no va a ser lo mismo.

La gente me empieza a decir cosas, a insultar incluso. No me importa. Ya los negue, ya no los escucho. Bueno, en realidad si los escucho pero ya no son relevantes para mi, no es mas que el ruido del viento entre las hojas de los arboles.

Me arrastran y me llevan a los centros de rehabilitaciòn, a esos lugares donde te enseñan a sonreir tranquilamente y responder a todo con frases afirmativas o alentadoras. No importa que sea la verdad, en realidad la verdad murio hace mucho. Pero tal vez no murio, tal vez solo estaba escondida, protegida de todos aquellos que la diseccionarian para estudiarla, para ver como funciona y porque parece ser importante todavia para algunas personas. Porque logra todavia hacer que algun gris hombrecito como yo se revele y diga NO.

Ya se que no me queda opcion. Voy a ser reeducado en las virtudes de la complacencia, voy a recordar l que es ir a lugares que no me gusta y estar con gente que no soporto en haras del bienestar de todos. Volvere a ahogar mi individualidad en un mar de vulgaridad y estandares sociales impuestos por aquellos que no quieren gente pensando y siendo honesta. Porque todos sabemos que los honestos exigen honestidad.

Me dejo arrastrar. Ninguno de sus golpes ni sus insultos pueden alcanzarme ahora. Estoy en paz. Y cuando me voy perdiendo logro ver a una niña, no tendrà mas de doce años que me mira, rodeada de sus compañeritas. Por un segundo la veo, se quita la mascara y me mira con su verdadero rostro, sin mascaras, y veo la belleza y el dolor de aquellos que todavia recuerdan como era ser libres. Me hablan sus ojos y me habla su sonrisa triste. "Recordame!" logro decirle y ya no se màs nada, ya no soy màs nadie, vuelvo al caldo primario de la conformidad y esta vez se que no hay chance de que me escape...

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-Hola! Queres firmarme el fotolog? www.fotolog.com/la_paz_es_aceptar

-Queres ir a una fiesta?

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Si, por supuesto. Voy a tratar....

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